The article quotes that “in some cases” the women would be happy to be in a relationship with a man who was less educated than them but they felt that these men were “intimidated” by their success.
The excuse of men being intimidated by success has been used a lot in the past, my clients are no exception for this, to explain the behaviour of men.
If you believe something that is incorrect it will push you further away from what you want.
Unfortunately it seems that no one has actually asked the men that they were interested in and the slogan of men being intimidated has been bantered around in excess.
I would love to tell you what a confident and successful man actually think when they go on a date with a successful woman.
It’s just not as important to us.
I find my Type A clients especially, but also Type B, find themselves ending up in a bit of a bind.
Most of them have a single amount of money that they would want their ideal partner to be earning. On average I have found that it is around the region of their own income +50%. (If you do not know your type, then please feel free to take my Quiz HERE).
If you do not think you have an idea, here is a quick exercise. Imagine you meet a great guy, meets your physical requirements, meets your job requirements, meets the requirement that he makes you feel safe and wanted as a woman. Now imagine that same man earns 50% of your income. How do you feel? Keep increasing the amount in your head by £10,000 (or about $12,000USD) until you start to feel better and then increase it until you smile. That is the amount.
This makes total sense to men, if they want to take time off to raise a child then they will need financial support and this gives them the feeling of financial stability in the long term.
If the lady is earning £100,000 (approximately $130,000USD) then the man will need to earn approximately £150,000 ($195,000 USD) to fulfil that criteria. The difference between £40K and £60K is less less of an issue than the difference between £100,000 and £150,000.
For men, this means that the lady is going expect more from our income than a lady who earns the average wage (in the UK is £26,620 or $33,000USD at the time of writing)(2).
In man-terms, that means a lady who earns £60,000 is more expensive.
The Mistake Successful Women Tend to Make
The real crux is the erroneous belief that because a lady is on £100,000 that she is more attractive to a man than a lady who is on £50,000.
This is erroneous. In fact is often quite the opposite.
It’s just not that important to us.
Women believe that if they are more successful that it will make them more attractive to successful men. FALSE.
In this instance it is because successful women have this strange notion that men attribute as much importance to success as they do.
I get this from Type A clients all the time.
To be able to have a one on one consultation with me takes some time and they usually have to come through having done at least one of my online programmes first.
After they have done the necessary work, I ask them what makes them attractive to the kind of man they want. In response they normally rattle off their CV of achievements.
The research out there backs up my own thoughts.
Which is: “So what?”
Men’s metrics for attraction(3) and relationships differ from a woman’s. Research at Concordia university shows that men tend to go for face and body whilst a woman tends to be moved more by financial success and ambition. Both equally prize intelligence and kindness.
Although there is little research in this area, it seems to correlate with my experiences of coaching men and women. In simple terms: for men, looks are more important when considering a partner than women do and attribute less importance to success and ambition.
For us, being successful is different to being accomplished.
Women were also more sensitive to a negative frame bias from other people than men were. In other words, with the slightest hint of a negative frame they cut their losses. This might partly explain why there are “no men out there,” because they seem to discount the other person as a partner as soon as there is anything wrong with them.
Ever been told you are too picky? Or ever have a friend suggest a guy for you to say “no way!” straight away? Even if the guy ticked lots of boxes?
That is a sign that the people around are maybe seeing that you are doing this. It is all because they do not have the negative bias that surrounds your reproductive drive when looking for a partner.
This was probably something more useful in caveman times but less so in the 21st century.
Men and Metrics
““These are highly educated, very successful women and one after another they were saying they couldn’t find a partner. How could it be that all these amazing, attractive intelligent women were lamenting about their ability to find a partner?” she said.”
My hypothesis is because they do not understand men nor what men want in a partner.
They can meet men (albeit they might think not enough quality), they can attract them (ditto re: calibre) and they can date men but there is no commitment.
Perhaps because being an “amazing, attractive intelligent” woman is not what is required for a man to commit?
If I were to ask you if you knew how to make a man happy to his very core, would you know how to do that?
Let’s use the example of buying a car, computer or phone. The salesman is talking you through all the different options. The Type A ladies might go for the smallest yet latest and up to date version. The Type B lady would be going for the one that most people have or the middle of the range one.
Anyway, the salesperson shows you a cool new feature. But it’s a feature that does not excite you. Not only does it not excite you, you can not see a need for it and by the way they describe it is going to require additional maintenance and make life more difficult. Because this feature is so cool, it makes the whole thing cost twice as much. To cap it all off, because the feature is so battery hungry it means that the other parts of the device do not work as well.
Would you get the extra features that does not matter to you, can see no need for it, will be more expensive and makes it much more expensive?
It’s just not that important to us.
That is how we view success in a woman. We know that successful women will want more from us and expect more from us. But although success would be nice, it is not important enough for us to pay the difference in price, i.e. how successful we are.
We know that a woman who earns £40K is likely to be happier with us earning £100K than a woman who earns £90K.
Who wouldn’t want their partner to seem happier, feel more secure and more wowed by them?
Men feel successful women have a higher price tag. Men go for accomplished women, not successful women.
So What Should a Successful Woman Do?
So that may all be well and good but what does that mean for you?
Should you go and quit your job just to become more attractive to men?
What is important is to understand what is going on behind the man’s decisions and actions. It is important to realise that there is some logic behind it.
So far you might have been good at focusing on goals from other parts of life, such as your health and fitness. Or perhaps your career.
The art of relationship requires a whole different skillset, a skillset of being able to understand a man.
If you want to meet him, to attract him, to date him and for him to commit to a relationship then he needs to feel that he is understood. That he is safe. That you see the good in him. That he is enough.
Because once you do that, you will realise that he has valid reasons for doing what he does, that there is logic behind it. Once you see the reasons behind it, you will improve your relationships to men and will be happier.
If you feel men are intimidated by your success, then you are more than likely to be a Type A lady.
- http://marciainhorn.com/european-society-for-human-reproduction-and-embryology-eshre-in-geneva/ European Society for Human Reproduction and Embryology
- https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/earningsandworkinghours/datasets/averageweeklyearningsearn01 Office of National Statistics, UK
- https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140501132636.htm Science Daily