“Why has he not asked me out?”.
It’s probably the worst area of dating, the dreaded grey area.
If it was a clear yes, or a clear no, then you would know what to do.
But it’s neither. It’s a “huh?”
This is the worst case scenario.
You have already met, be it online or at an event. You got on OK and so you exchanged numbers.
You are texting or messaging and it all seems really nice.
The only problem is that he has not asked you on a date yet.
I mean, you have been texting for over a week now.
What is going on? Maybe he is not that in to you? Maybe he already has a girlfriend like Bradley Cooper from “He’s Just Not That into You“(1) (one of my few recommended romantic comedy movies)? Maybe he is married with children? Maybe he is gay?
A lot can be thrown up in your mind and it is something that a lot of women have to deal with.
Let me walk you through it and by the end of the article, you will have a way to deal with it.
Is He Your Next Boyfriend?
THIS is the question I want you to ask. The answer to this question is the only thing you need to know. The where, why, who and how is irrelevant.
The more you get stuck in your head trying to work out what went wrong or what could have been better or whether or not the fact he did not answer his phone when “Susan” called means he already is in a relationship.
Let us do some mathematics.
All of the assumptions here are approximations and because of skewing, these are likely to be conservative estimates. If you are an expert in the field, please get in touch if my numbers need tweaking.
If you live in a large city such as my hometown of London, there are approximately 8 million people living here according to figures from 2015 from the Mayor of London’s Office. (2)
Out of that, let us assume that they are neatly divided by age in to decades, so that means that there are 88,000 people either +/- five years of your age.
Let us assume that at a conservative estimate that only 10% of people are single, that leaves about 8,800 people roughly your age +/- 5 years of your age.
Let’s assume half are men, half are women.
That leaves approximately 4,400 men of the opposite sex around your age in that city.
You only need one.
So your job is not to try and convince yourself that the next man is the man of your dreams, but to work out promptly whether or not someone could be your next boyfriend.
Essentially to sort through them, quickly, calmly and with efficiency.
Your job is to find out if this man is your next boyfriend. By sorting quickly and efficiently.
Why is He Not Asking Me Out?
It is not uncommon for my clients expect men to:
Make the first move.
To come and talk to her.
To make it clear that he is not just wanting to be friends.
Take her number
To ask her out on a date within a suitable amount of time (which varies lady to lady)
Plan the date in advance and make relevant bookings despite not knowing her tastes
Produce a fun and romantic experience despite not yet knowing her quirks, likes and dislikes
Initiate all intimate moves such as kissing or holding hands
Text her the same night to make sure she got home OK and to also stay awake long enough to respond to her text
Arrange a second date
Optional: pay for everything.
If you think about it, at any of the 10 points the man can be rejected.
Interestingly, no man would ever dream of a woman doing all of this for him and risking the rejection at every step.
A lot of women would say “I am traditional, the man has to make the moves.” Yes, these women are mostly single too.
Did you know that the chance of success to get from just point 1 to point 4 is approximately 5% for the average man? The statistics are something like 10% for the guys who have been trained in how to pick up women. These are statistics from the PUA (Pick Up Artist) industry that are widely banded around. I do not think you will find a man who will disagree with you.
To put it in to perspective, that is a 1 in 20 chance of approaching a woman and getting just her phone number. The lifetime chances of a man getting prostate cancer is 1 in 8 in the UK. (3)Official Government Statistics
By his mid-thirties, the average guy would have been rejected dozens if not hundreds of times.
Let me ask you this: how many times have you been rejected in comparison?
How many times have you continued doing something that has a 95% failure rate? Even if you wanted it really badly?
This is not a boo hoo, poor men blog post. But to understand what might be going on, then you need to understand what is going on in the man’s mind.
Most of my clients assume that if a man likes you, he will just mosey on up and engage in repartee. Can you understand from this why he might hesitate?
This is before we even get on to the confusion about when is it OK to approach a woman.
A man only manages to get a lady’s number on average 1 in 20 times. He is rejected 19 in 20.
A quote I once heard that sent shivers down my spine was :
“I expect to be respected as a woman from 9-5 but treated like a lady from 5-9.”
Needless to say, this lady was single.
The worlds of work and politics have changed for the better in recent years, however dating seems to be stuck in the stone age and men are confused.
If you are treated equally during working hours (very reasonable), why should you get special treatment outside of work? That would mean that you get overall special treatment, and for 16 hours a day at that! Surely that is not equal?
We are also confused about mixed messaging about when is it acceptable to approach a woman. Let’s take the gym for example.
This article from elite daily gives 5 steps to picking up a guy in the gym: I Hit On Men At The Gym And Came Up With A No-Fail Five Step Routine (4)
At the same time you had better hope that he has not seen this article from Men’s Fitness explaining how horrible men are in the gym: We Asked 25 Women: What do you hate about men at the gym?(5), especially the quote from Jackie P.
One of my clients who gave me a great testimonial on my Praise section had joined an upmarket gym in Central London full of successful and fit age appropriate men and was wondering why no one was coming up to speak to her. I told her because the message was loud and clear on social media.
Anyone can exercise anywhere and however they want. I want you to see how men can become confused by this.
I am hoping that you can see that men currently have quite a lot of mixed messages when it comes to asking women out.
When I used to coach men as well, the most common question was “how do I talk to a girl without her thinking that I’m creepy?” It is quite sobering that the messages these men have had is that you are found to be creepy until proven otherwise, or are really good looking.
It’s the ones who would make great partners in the long term who have issues with this.
Until women start to share the risk in this process, this whole thing is not going to work.
So I propose that you give him a nudge.
If you want the man to make the first move, he has to react to you. So give him something to react to and polarise him. Turn him from a maybe to a yes or no.
In the World of dating:
Yes is better than a No which is infinitely better than a Maybe.
Maybe is the worst place to be in so let’s break out of it.
Yes > No >>>>>>Maybe.
The Nudge Protocol
When I mention this to my clients, there is distinct apprehension.
They are worried that it will mean that he will become inherently lazy, take her for granted, she might come across as easy and before she knows it he will quit his job, play video games all day and she will be the breadwinner.
This is not the case and all you are doing is giving him a sign. In the absence of being able to smile or give non-verbal cues as you would in real life, you have to give a verbal cue online or via what’s app.
I wish there was an emoji of a falling handkerchief or literally a nudge, but until there is, I suggest you give a verbal one.
Nudge Protocol Steps
Step 1. State your intention and interest with “I would like to go out with you.” This is not asking him out, it is just stating what you would like.
Step 2. Wait until he responds.
Step 3. If it’s negative proceed to step 4. If it is a positive response proceed to step 5.
Step 4. Negative response- you are out of the land of Maybe and have a definitive answer. This is good news. Respond with “nice to talk to you and all the best.”
Step 5: If he asks you out, you are clear and dry. Congratulations.If he does not ask you out, proceed to step 6.
Step 6: If it’s positive but he does not ask you out (e.g. says “sure”) then respond with “I need to be asked first ;)” This will ensure that he understands that the ball is now in his court. The emoji is important, studies show that using an emoji(6) is helpful in flirting and also keeps it light hearted.
Please do try it out and let me know how it goes.
- https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Just-Not-That-Into/dp/B001V7P2KO/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&qid=1500829807&sr=8-1&keywords=He%27s+just+not+that+in+to+you&linkCode=sl1&tag=medistudboo0d-21&linkId=deab80954ee59d06a3e84df683318d6a He’s Just Not That into You – DVD
- https://www.london.gov.uk/press-releases/mayoral/london-population-confirmed-at-record-high Greater London Authority 2017
- https://prostatecanceruk.org/prostate-information/are-you-at-risk Prostate Cancer UK
- http://elitedaily.com/dating/picking-up-men-gym/1306919/ Elite Daily
- http://www.mensfitness.com/women/dating-advice/we-asked-25-women-what-do-you-hate-about-men-gym Men’s Fitness
- http://blog.match.com/2015/02/10/so-emojional-why-u-s-singles-use-emojis/ Match.com, LLC